* * *

Carmella! Carmella! The children, the children! I turned onto my side in the cold darkness. Not facing the nearby wall, I could see across the room to the small altar with the flickering butter lamps. The image of the Buddha stared at the empty space before him, focusing on no object. I sat up on one elbow, squinting. Nodding, I whispered, "Senior. Seniorita."

* * *

Goodbye. You won't see me anymore!

* * *

The window was lit. So she was home. But she did not answer the phone. Ring Ring. Why not? Why didn't she answer? Was she alone, or not? No. Not likely. and you know she likes to make love with the lights on. Ring Ring.

* * *

"You look like a kupie doll," I whispered to Sue, brushing my lips against her fingertips. "Oh?" Her eyebrows arched. "I thought I was an angel!" "No, no," I laughed, "you've been promoted to kupie doll!" "How is that a promotion?" she wondered as my hand found her breast. "Angels can be possessed," I mused, "But I won you! I won the kupie doll at the boardwalk with that roulette wheel!"

AH. ROOM.

* * *

"Carmella," I said, putting my arm around her shoulder. "It'll be allright," I said, idiotically. Her sunken eyes pierced me. "Those poor children," she sobbed. "Those poor parents!" Even surrounded by dense anger, something caused me to raise my eyebrows at her words. An antidote had appeared fleetingly. But before I could catch the feeling, thoughts flooded in, heralded by clenched jaw muscles, driving all soft things aside for decades. hard thoughts bulldoze other things with their encased interwoven existence with time. Softer things, silent and merciful have no such partnership in their nature, thus remain pure, never to be stained by lofty cognition trapped in logical hours and days, those guardians of suffering and mortality. "Son of a bitch," I said, looking at the stars. "Who the hell do you think you are? The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Not my Lord! You're not my Lord." Whisper.



* * *

CLICK. CLICK. Went the roulette wheel. Clickety click.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Watching. he sees you when you're sleeping. He knows. he knows. I opened my eyes and saw the eyes of the Buddha. he was looking in my direction but he could not see me. He could not see that far.

* * *

"Are you still thinking," asked Dai Goro Bogdu," of your lost love, your lost life, your lost hatred?" My anger flared for he had knocked Suzi's image from my mind's eye. "Damn you!" I snarled, not realizing that the blue man was laughing and that a luminous ring was descending upon me from above. That is, I did not realize it until it had snapped tightly about me like a noose. But it was a noose full of electricity that jangled the nerves of the dead body which I occupied.

* * *

Ayesha! You're back. Oh, you've been busy. you have a new boyfriend. Not new? The only one you've ever had? Fine, that's fine. No? Why not? He doesn't like me? How can that be, I've never met him. Oh? He's been introduced to my body? Uh. That's a little strange. What does he think about your having a dead body hanging around? Okay, lying around. He's jealous? That's ridiculous! Hey wait! Ayesha! Uh. Uh! Ayesha!







* * *

"Geshe-la! You've got to teach me to protect myself," I cried. "No use," he said. "No use your surviving. You're of no use to anyone!" It was something that I did not wish to hear.

* * *

KARMA-A! KARMA-LA! All the constellations swing around the North Star.

* * *

DRIP. DRIP. The antibiotic I.V. tube was leaking. It was not going into his brother's arm. DRIP. DRIP. It smelled like dog piss.

* * *

You fool. What do you think you're doing? It won't work. She'll not believe you. But it's the truth. Truth. LIES. Truth. Lies. Which is which? Which does what? What are you saying?

* * *

I was with Suzy in the woods, that first time that I made love to her. Yes. i remember that. She said I was crazy. That someone would see us! No! I insisted, I remember. I unbuttoned her blouse and reached inside. My touch threw her off balance and she fell against a tree laughing, half sliding down against me. i reached under her rumpled dress and slid her white undergarment down. When it was at ankle level she stepped out of it with one leg and kicked it away into the woods. Whisper to whisper. (AH. ARRGH.) Later, we could not find her panties. She giggled, thinking of who might find them. I did not think of that for very long.



* * *

The first time that I made love to Sue was on the rooftop. We had planned it carefully, and the weather worked out fine. With a blanket under us, and with her atop me, ecstasy came soon enough. While she whispered and exhaled afterwards, I stared up at the constellation Orion.

* * *

AUM. AH. HUM.

Body, Speech and Mind.

* * *

The unmovable RIRAB LHUNPO, that central mountain, sat steady, while around it circled the sun and moon, like you and me.

* * *

I had massaged her neck. First, from the back, around the collar of her loose blouse. Then later, with that fabric half off her shoulders, my hands also moved down her arms. More was touched as less covered her; her back and her sides. "Lie face down," I whispered, and she obeyed. Snapping a restraining horizontal band, I could hear her breathing change. The catch on her skirt was next, hands moving along her sides, pushing away fabric and changing the texture of her skin. "AH," she whispered, "Ah," she said. "Hm," she sighed as she rolled over to face my two hands which came down to cap her breasts with the twin towers. Her hands reached up and pulled my face down to them. My tongue moved from one to the other, wordless. Afterwards, she had showered, and I left alone with my smiling thoughts stood nude by the bookcase. My hand pulled out one brightly colored book and flipped a few pages. I stopped, caught by the shape of the words. I did not read them. I just stared at them without thinking. Just then, Sue coughed to catch my attention. Startled, I looked up. She was standing ten feet away, her head still wet from the shower, her body glistening with droplets clinging everywhere on her body. Some of the moisture hesitantly moved down the outer edge of her thighs. "You've forgotten me already, so soon?" she asked. I squinted back at the words in my hands, frowned at the words which she had spoken, not understanding for a moment. "That's not," I said. But she finished, half-smiling a rueful smile. "True," she said.

* * *

The first time I had made love to her was in the forest. We had made our way to a spot which we had seen earlier, when there was still light. Now it was impossibly dark except for the occasional flash of the flashlight in my hand. I turned it on and off as we progressed. "Here!" she laughed with a little squeak. "I can feel the pine needles underfoot." I flashed the light on for a brief moment. We had arrived at the place. Pine trees surrounded us now, with a thick bed of needles beneath us. "It's so thick," she laughed in the darkness, close to my ear, as she clutched my arm. "It bounces!" And indeed it did. it bounced. And further into the night it bounced and gasped. Ah! Ah! And the crushed pine needles gave of a scent which mixed with our perspiration. My loved one's body and mine met, again and again. Her legs seemed to try to escape from beneath me, but her arms clutched me tightly, preventing that, almost preventing my breathing, dissolving any potential words. Whispering which was only breathing followed.

* * *

JING. GUL. BELLS. He knows if you have been good or bad...

* * *

Ayesha. Are you there? How is your boyfriend? Are you reading this? Silence. Only silence.

* * *

Eavesdropper! Spy. Dammit! It's none of your business to keep watching. Stop looking!

* * *

In time, words were carved on rocks and offerings were put before these letters. People came to see them, to walk around them, as the sun circles the earth, as the moon moves with it on that invisible wheel. And once carved, it was there for centuries, as if forever. "But there are so many stones with nothing written upon them! Why are these not circumambulated?"

* * *

AH. ARRGH. AH. ARRGH. The blue beast tore at my body, ripping open my torso. In horror, I saw the entrails spring outwards.



Beep. Beep. Bop. (Ho! Ho! Ho!)

* * *

Phil, one of the young garage renters, joined me to see my brother at the distant nursing home. It was a Sunday, so we knew that most or all the doctors would not be on duty. it was not a hospital after all. We had particular plans in mind, you see. Phil was so anxious that we took his station wagon. "Feel better that way," he said. I agreed. I did not mind. Let him use his gasoline. His mind had us speed westward. It was too fast and he received a ticket for speeding. Despite that, he continued going beyond the speed limit. I could not dissuade him. But luckily, he was not caught again. "You've got to drive slower coming back!" I insisted. Grimly, he nodded, for he knew that we would have a passenger on the return trip, one paralyzed man. 'You cannot take him," said the nurse. "The doctor has not signed him out." "That's beside the point," I pointed out. "he's not sick. he's just paralyzed. He's still in charge of himself." "Well," said the woman, "he must sign out, how will that be done?" She sneered. "grab my hand," my brother said, and I did, putting a pencil into its grip. "Now sign!" he ordered, and with a tight clasp upon his fingers, I moved the pencil awkwardly. "it is done!" I laughed. "And with his own hand." "My own hand," he whispered, looking at the inert curled fingers in his lap. Soon we were moving down the highway. West to East. North to South.

* * *

"Hold on!" shouted Thubten Sengey. I opened my mouth to answer but blood came out instead of words. "Uh. Uh. Hum!" my throat gurgled. Looking up in agony, I saw the blue man. He was laughing. "I told you that I would kill you!" My vision began to fade with red lights striking against a dark field of vision.

AH. ARRGH,'" was the last sound which I made with that body.



* * *

Whisper, whisper, she said. "Su," I said, gasping, "Tra!"

"Sutra," she laughed.

* * *

CLICK. CLICK. CLICKITY-CLICK.

The wheel spun. His eyes were fixed upon the kupie doll. "I will win it," he repeated over and over to himself. "Come on! Come on!" He said aloud. She clutched at his elbow, her eyes upon the wheel. The advancing and receding surf's sounds mixed with their thoughts.

* * *

AH. ROOM. AH. ROOM.

Blue mark leads to blue mark.

Crescent moon becomes the full moon.

The rabbit does not seem to be alive. Ah! Now he lives! AH. ROOM!

* * *

"Before we go," I said to Geshe Sengey, "tell me about that mountain, that white pyramid below." "What mountain?" he asked, with a blank expression. "Don't give me that," I snapped. "The one with the crack, Mt. Kailash!" He cocked an eyebrow at me and half smiled. "You seem to know something already. Kailasha is the name which the Hindus give to it. They say it is the immovable center of the universe, in their case, the abode of Shiva." "Shiva?" i asked, startled. "Then they consider it a primordial lingam?" Geshe Sengey smiled more broadly. "As I thought," he said. "You know more than you say." I tried not to disillusion him on that point, since I was skating on very thin ice, with very little knowledge. "Since that is so," I lied, "it will do no harm for you to tell me more." And, as I had hoped, he did so. "The Hindus regard it as the place, or more correctly, the very original manifestation of all, through the union of Shiva and his Shakti, his female energy." He paused. "We Buddhists don't hold to this, however." "Really?" I asked, half-accusingly. "Truly," he replied. "Shakta and Shakti are not in our religious vocabulary." He looked away for a moment. i believed his statement but also knew that through his choice of words that he was avoiding saying something else. Since I did not know what that could be, I did not know how to ask any further questions in that direction. Instead, I asked, "What do you Tibetans call the mountain?" He seemed relieved at this turn and quickly replied, "It is RIRAB LHUNPO, the abode of the Bodhisattva of Compassion, CHEN-RE-ZI." He was going to continue when he saw my raised eyebrows, which came from doubt. I had thought, off-guard, that the mountain was a crowded place with SHIVA and MANJUSRI and now CHEN-RE-ZI all being there, undoubtedly with their followers and semi-magical groupies. He had caught this attitude and clammed up. "Enough," he said. And that was the last word which he uttered until we had travelled into the dark Nd-Drwa, seeming not to travel at all, but in the light world having travelled eastward hundreds of miles, to a cave north of Lhasa.





* * *

At my brother's group of barns, Phil's friend was waiting. With him was a rusty and dirty wheelchair. i was glad to see it, although I doubted if it would hold his weight. The plastic seat held when we transferred him to it. We were planning to carry him up the narrow mouldy staircase to his apartment above the small garage which contained (among other things) a classic thunderbird with a sprung hood. This revealed that there was no engine within, just a gaping mystery. "Valuable car," he pointed out to me. "Just needs a little work." i did not nod. i did not answer. The other two men, in their good spirits, full of energy, seemed to agree with him as if he had stated a dogma of their mutual faith. Before we could move him, we had to rouse his live-in girlfriend. What if she weren't here? What if she were drunk? Our noise and shouts, joined by a few of his feeble ones in assistance, finally brought the sounds of latches and locks opening. She appeared, wild-eyed, dishevelled, but cheerful and sober. I was happy to see that she was glad to see him back. "I'm going to give you a kiss!" she called down. She had to wait until the young men struggled up the stairs with him seated in the old wheel chair. There was no room for me to do anything but watch. "Uh!" they said. "Uh!" For one moment I thought that they were stuck, but with the creaking (and cracking!) sounds they reached the top, making the last impossible turn into the kitchen. The wheels had a hesitation over the cracked linoleum but finally pushed through to the small living room crowded with overstuffed furniture meant for a larger space. "Good! Good!" my brother said, grinning broadly. "Good to be back." I said nothing.

"Do you want something to eat?" he asked us all. The refrigerator door swung open to reveal its emptiness except for a ginger ale bottle which was almost empty. "No thanks," I said, glancing at a yellowed pile of newspapers. "I've got to be going." Taking a step towards the cracked paint of the door, I asked almost in a sense of ritual, "You'll be okay here?" "Yes," he laughed. "The boys will take me to the bathroom twice a day. They'll put me to bed, etc. Everything's fine!" I nodded and left, careful not to trip on the cats which were now lying upon the stairs. Going through the garage, I avoided stepping in old green cat movements.

I drove down the highway, faster and faster.

* * *

KARMA-LA! KARMA-LA! The fire! The children!. (the constellation of Orion.)

* * *

Yes. Sure. Yeah. (Nodded. Nodded.) Whisper. (Dammit.) Whisper. oh, God. What is it? I don't know.

* * *

Keep watching. Don't slip. You have nothing else to do. "But it is a waste of time!"

* * *

Oh. A body. Just to have a human body!

* * *

Even though, even if;

Shaking. Quivering. Exhaling; "AH!"

Crying out; "Ah! Ahrrgh!"

Then, whisper. (Whisper).

AUM. AH. HUM.

Body, Speech, and Mind.

* * *

Don't just sit there! Speak to me!

* * *

Ayesha! Are you reading my thoughts? Silence. Where is she? Has something happened to her?

* * *

The wheeling of the sun and the moon; steadfast. Hold on, like them! Do not go astray!

* * *

Who has stolen her? She's gone. She must have been lured away. she wouldn't go away by herself! You know that, don't you. You know it. Do you?

* * *

Hovering in the plume of snow atop the mountain, I heard the whiteness below me speak. Dai Goro Bogdu spoke, an invisible blue man, but a visible mountain. "You merely wish to be a god," he said, through the avalanches beneath me. "That is why you are so stubborn and disrespectful!" "Foolish blueness!" i spat. "I am a god already!" "We shall see," he answered laughing. "And if it is so, perhaps we can nail you to a tree like your Hebrew god, Christ!" I did not show my surprise but retorted to the rising blizzard,

--------------------------MISSING TEXT-------------------------









* * *

My brother's girlfriend was soon back to her bottle. She was of little use to him. Luckily, the garage boys, Phil and his friend, were there every day. They had also helped him to reach state social services agencies. She would not do it, afraid that a visiting nurse or housekeeper would bring along a shock therapy machine. But that did not matter, for when she was bypassed this special help came. I was relieved by that, since he had taken such a risk in escaping from the nursing home. The boys helped even on weekends. I could not imagine why they were so devoted to his well-being. it was a lot more than I cared to think of. It was infinitely more than his self-alienated children would do. Although knowing of his condition, I knew that they knew, for I had phoned them, they stayed away from him like the plague. I don't understand. Perhaps they were afraid of any "Take me home" statements being laid upon the, or any of the nurses' "Aren't you a responsible person?" barbs. I don't know. i think it was something else, however.

* * *

Whisper. Whisper. Swaying to and fro. In the darkness, in a seated position, two figures merged. Two fingers met, index to thumb, pinching a nipple. "Ah. Ah!" A drop of perspiration ran down between two breasts.

* * *

"UH. UH. HUM" Quiver. Quiver.

"Watch the voltage," he said.

"AH! Ahrrgh!" she screamed across the stick in her mouth. Her body jolted. Her spine arched in mid-air. "Ah! Ahrrgh!"

* * *

Just say it. Name it! And I can get out of here. Oh? You don't believe it? It's up to you! I can get out of here! Just stop reading my mind. Just stop watching! What do you mean, that you've got to watch? Hold on! Hold on! You've got it wrong. I'm not angelic. I'm not a kupie doll, or a wheel. Come back!

* * *

Seasons follow seasons. They are hard to recognize in the dark. They are also hard to recognize in the far north. Ayesha? Are you still alive? Answer me.

* * *

"Call collect if you wish," I had said. But you never did.

* * *

What do you mean, can you name the word? What kind of talk is that? "Geshe-la," I questioned the invisible monk, "what is the law? What is the law of the word? Geshe-la!"

* * *

Just before the fire; lips upon her bare shoulder. Then hers upon my arm. it was then that she bit me. "Fire! Fire!" came the cries. The window was all orange with flames. Carmella was crying about the children. Sparks flew up into the night sky like newly-formed stars, but the did not last. They did not join the constellation of Orion. Unseen, a crescent blue mark was being born on my arm. Firemen were shouting, unheard. it was all visual. There was not a sound. 'KARMA-LA! KARMA-LA!"

* * *

Yes. yeah. Sure!

La, La, La!

* * *

Immortal? Who wants to be immortal? Its too dangerous. you stop being human. it would destroy you. You would become like them all. Cruel instead of compassionate. You just call it amoral? Shut up! Get out of here.

* * *

Ayesha? You've broken up with your boyfriend? Oh, that is too bad. Yeah. yeah. May I ask why? Oh. No? Okay, never mind. Yeah. I understand. yeah. sure. I hope you're okay. Yeah. UH. How is my body doing? UH. UH? That's nice. Yeah. Well, I'll talk to you later. Yeah. Goodbye. DAMN!

* * *

It was really a cave, but it looked like a small building sitting there on the steep cliffside. its broad based shape tapered upwards and this gave the building a larger look. Not that it was big in any case. Some flags fluttered upon the rooftop, still retaining their colors. Above the one blue-lined window flapped a pleated canopy, as if a misplaced interior curtain. All of this was an addition to the true dwelling behind it. This was a cave that penetrated into the solid rock-face. Not very large, but sufficient for Geshe Thubten Sengey's purposes.

We arrived there after our travel through the Nd-Drwa, both invisible of course. Entering through the wall, literally, we came upon the scene which I knew had to welcome us. There, on a low bed, lay the still, seemingly-dead body of Geshe Thubten Sengey. Next to it sat, half-dozing, a young man who, had he not been obviously breathing, I would have believed equally dead. or in this case, truly dead, as opposed to the allegedly, apparently, only observably dead monk's body. Very quickly, the monk left the astral realm and re-entered his body. How he brought it back to life, I do not know. although I heard him mumble something, i could not make it out, only hearing fleeting references to ankle-bone and knee-bone. it was beyond my ability to catch. Too bad. Perhaps I could have used it with my own body. That is, if I could ever find it. Too bad.