* * *

I was left at Drepung Gompa, playing the part of a novice monk while Geshe Sengey went about his business elsewhere. I do not know where he spent his time. and since I dared not leave Nyima's body, astrally, in fear of not getting back in, I stayed, as if a prisoner, in the monastery. It was not bad. But it could be boring, since I could not, at that time, read the scriptures to chant along with the hundreds of others who, on the whole, had the words memorized. Thus, instead, I whispered, mumbled, nodded and nodded. At other times, I swayed back and forth, looking at the appliqued thangkas in the great hall. They hung, as if in mid-air, row after row, between the great columns separating the dozens of rows of hunched over monks who shook and quivered as they handled a metal object called a dorje in one hand and a bell in the other. I tried to imitate them. No one commented upon my clumsiness, although a huge monk wandered amongst the rows carrying a threateningly large staff. "UH! UH! HUM!" I said enthusiastically when he came by. Eventually, I discovered that the other monks were saying "AUM, AH, HUM!" and joined them in those syllables.

* * *

I was surprised to see a sign near the hill upon which my brother's nursing home stood. It announced the presence of a nearby prison. I looked down to the right as I turned left into the parking lot. Yes. I think I saw it there. Out here in this beautiful countryside setting. Beautiful or not, it was logical since this was a big chunk of state-owned land. I also noticed when I was leaving that a small nearby farm had a FOR SALE sign on it. But by then, my mind was a jumble of thoughts. I had gone upstairs unannounced, as usual, straight to his room. it was empty. But ominously so, for the bed was extremely neat. His wheel chair was not there, but I had the thought that he was not using it. My heart thumping in unreasoned panic, I made my way quickly to the nurse's station. "Oh," I was asked, "Didn't you know? He's gone." "Gone?" I gasped. "What do you mean?" "He was having trouble keeping food down," she began. I said nothing, waiting for further words. "He kept up-chucking. Doctor took him to the hospital, but brought him back. They could find nothing wrong." I patiently waited. "He still couldn't eat for another week," she continued. "A week?" I asked. "He insisted he go back to the hospital," she shrugged, "saying it must be ulcers." "And?" I prodded. "It was," she said. "But he still hasn't been able to keep anything down."

"Where is this hospital?" I demanded, "and how long has he been there?" They told me and I shook my head. "Another week? He'll starve to death!" I was about to leave when their station phone rang. "Oh, he's here," the nurse said, handing me the phone. "It's the doctor. He's been trying to reach you." "Hello. Yes. Yeah. I'm his brother. What's the story? Stomach blockage? Massive ulcer? Yes. Yeah. You've done everything, and now you've got to operate? Yes. But you don't need my permission. Yeah. What do you mean, he's not a good candidate for such an operation? If its up to willpower, he'll be O.K. Yes. Yeah. I'm about to go to the hospital now to visit him. Yes. Yeah. Sure."

As I left, the clouds seemed to blur into a storm. Far away, over the hills, it seemed to be snowing. I drove faster and faster.

* * *

"Accustomed as I am to keep in the uncreated world," Dorjii sang, "I have forgotten definitions." I looked at the flickering flame of a butter-lamp on the small altar. "What am I going to do? Am I a responsible person or not?" I thought to myself, over and over.

* * *

UH. UH. HUM.

AUM. AH. HUM. "Coo!" she murmured. "Coo!"

* * *

At the hospital, he was propped up in the bed. He looked grey and dishevelled. An I-V bottle dangled from a stand and the tube fell to his bedside where it was attached to the back of his right hand, taped into place. The upper tube had the slow motion of fluid. It could be seen leaving its source, slowly. Drip. Drip. "They," his hoarse voice said, "are going to," he continued, "operate," he said, "Tuesday," he finished. I sat quietly for a while and he decided to entertain me. "Lucky," his hoarse voice said, "I don't" he continued "owe government," he said, "money," he finished. My raised eyebrows encouraged him in his narration. "Or else," his hoarse voice said,"F.B.I." he continued, "jail me," he said, "for life!" he finished.

And with that he laughed, which changed into a horrible-sounding cough. He cleared his throat. "AH. Ahrrgh!" He looked at the snow and told me to leave before it got too dangerous on the road. "I'll see you later," I said. "Later," he hoarsely said. I left, to face the country roads with the thickening snow.

* * *

"...keeping my mind in the uncreated," Dorjii sang, "I have forgotten..." I watched Geshe Sengey on the terrace. Suddenly, he sat down, tilted strangely and sank into a heap. Startled by this, I ran down to investigate. Dorjii was right behind me. "He's dead," she said. "Perhaps," I cautioned, glancing about as if looking for him, although his body lay before me. "He may be coursing in the Nd-Drwa and watching us. But why should he leave his body here, in the open?"

"Even so," she grimaced, "we can kill him while he is gone! Quickly!" And with that, she pulled out a hidden silver scabbard with scrollwork decorations. She pulled out the thin knife and put the point to the throat of the apparent dead man. "No!" I snapped. "You cannot do that! Your religion forbids it!" Her lip curled at this and she handed me the knife, handle first. "Then you do it!" she sneered. "You have no religion!"

I took the knife, confused. Why was she angry with me? I, in turn, felt a surge of blood to my face. Religion had nothing to do with it, I thought. He had to be killed before he returned and before he could accomplish his black goals! I lifted the blade over his chest and prepared to plunge it into his heart, gripping it with two hands so as to not lose hold of it if it struck a bone. Down it plunged! Ah! Good riddance!

* * *

"Around Mount Rirab, as steadfast as the Sun and the Moon, our live." Thus he sang in the grove, at night, staggering towards the staircase of the Potala Palace.

* * *

A bolt of something which felt like electricity struck my hand. The slender Tibetan knife went flying from my numb fingers. Startled by this, I looked at Geshe Sengey's face. It was still quiet. I glanced at Dorjii. Her face was a mask of fear, her eyes wide open, staring past me. Quickly following her eyes, I saw the blue man. His fingers were sparkling. They appeared to be accumulating those bits of fire into a potential larger ball. "Dai Goro Bogdu!" I shouted at him. "Why are you interfering? You want him dead also!"

The other laughed, lifting his two blazing hands before his face, making his blue skin a brighter cobalt. "Yes. True," he answered. "But, you are not to do it! I wish to kill him myself! Step aside!" I stepped back, pulling Dorjii away as well, since she was petrified and unable to move. "Be my guest," I said, gesturing towards the horizontal body. "He is all yours!"

Dai Goro Bogdu made a dancing motion. My satisfaction at the early demise of the monk was shaken aside by the blue man's movements. They were those of a baseball pitcher! He wound up, pressed his two hands together to make one ball of fire, and threw it directly at the reclining body of the monk.

* * *

After the operation, my brother did not look very well. He still had the I.V. attached to him, but there were at least three other tubes; in his nose, his mouth and his other arm, the last causing a dark blue crescent bruise. He had difficulty speaking. The oxygen bottle bubbled and the I.V. gurgled. He mumbled, but it made no sense. The nurse came in and through the I.V. tube injected a pain killer. It began to work very quickly, and he dozed off. I sat quietly for a few minutes but realized that he was not longer conscious of my presence, so I got up to leave. I looked back for a moment. The I.V. noiselessly dripped. Drip. Drip.

* * *

"Words written in black ink, drops of water can erase," he sang. You remember that? You were in the room at Sho, before the walls were painted yellow. The girls brought the hot chang and you had one cup after another.

* * *

An orange bolt of fire sprung up vertically from the body of Geshe Thubten Sengey. It hovered less than a moment and then intercepted the bolt thrown by Dai Goro Bogdu. Dorjii and I jumped into a doorway to avoid the flaming flat-out splash from the collision. I heard the blue man shout something, and glancing back, saw that the monk was on his feet waving his hands in the air. ?"HRIM! PHAT!" he shouted.

The blue man vanished. The monk's hands shook and quivered. He glared at the two of us in the doorway. I wondered what he had seen from the Nd-Drwa. Did he know that we had tried to kill him? I glanced about but could not see the knife. "Get out of my sight!" he snapped, and we were glad to obey.

* * *

My brother looked worse the next time that I saw him. The nurses could not or should not tell me much. The doctor was not in the hospital. While I was visiting, he went in and out of consciousness. Before he did, he made various noises which worried me. "UH. UH. HUM," he said, exhaling too loudly to suit me. All the tubes were still attached. A blue crescent was on one arm where one tube had been attached before it was switched to the other. "AH. AHRRGH," he said, and under the sheet, you could see his hands shaking in spite of the paralysis. You could also see that the unseen feet were quivering to make the sheets move. "AH!" he exhaled past the tubes. "AH!" I did not wait long in that room with all these sounds. I left, to drive down the highway, faster and faster.

* * *

Hello? Yes, I'm his brother. You're the doctor? Yes. Yeah. Not healing? Wait, first tell me what you did. Stomach surgery? Yes. How much did you take out? Yeah, I understand. You were hoping he would take some liquid food by mouth? But it has not happened. Yes. Why does his skin look so yellow? Side affect from the antibiotics? Yeah. Okay, but when do you think...I mean...Yes. Yeah. Sure. You'll let me know. yes. Yeah. Sure. Thanks.





* * *

Even though Geshe Sengey had not come back to Drepung Gompa, I was not locked in. On a few occasions I left, walking with other young monks to Lhasa. We entered through the great Western gate, went through the short tunnel under that chorten, then past the great Potala Palace, white and red, rearing itself upward against the sky, part mountain, part building, thirteen stories high, seat of both religion and government in Tibet. I tried not to gawk too much, fearing that the other monks might suspect something. But why was I fearful? How could they know that I was not a Tibetan? I was in Nyima's body. That was a good enough disguise, I'm sure. And if they could not tell that, how could they know that I came from another century? I knew, and I still did not believe it. The old temple, the Jokhang, was at the center of the city. It was obscured at first by great clouds of burning incense, in the form of juniper branches. Before the great doors, with the murals of the Four Warrior Guardian Deities on either side, I found countless Tibetan pilgrims, farmers and nomads alike, doing countless full-length prostrations. The young monks and I joined the, and then, removing our footgear, entered the dark entrance passageway. A large courtyard with an open sky and murals of countless Buddhas flanking it led to the temple proper. I was almost overwhelmed by the smell of burning butter-lamps. High windows let in beams of light to reveal glistening images, eleven-headed, thousand-headed Changchub Sempas and a handsome Buddha in a seated position.

"Chamba," one of the other monks whispered. "The Buddha of the future," he said. "How far in the future?" I asked. He merely repeated, "the future." I looked at Chamba's eyes, half open, half closed, heavy lidded, his fine nose, his serene smile. "I've never seen you there," I thought, wondering what the definition of the future was. "Maybe the year after I left," I smiled slightly, wistfully.

* * *

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Shudder and shake. Quiver.

"UH. UH. HUM." Whisper whisper.

SENIOR. SENIORITA.

The constellation of Orion.

* * *

What are they doing? If I can't escape, get back, how can they get there? And this absorption? What is it? Are they reading my mind? No, or else Geshe Sengey would know I tried to kill him. Am I imagining the fact that both of them seemed to be playing baseball? You're crazy. You know that?

* * *

Ring. Ring. It was the doctor on the telephone. he said it didn't look good. No. No improvement. Did I know his son's telephone number? Yes. But I doubt if he would visit. Try it. If you like. No, I don't know what the problem is between them. Yes. Goodbye.





* * *

I watched from the Nd-Drwa. It was a strange feeling, seeing Dorjii making love on the rooftop of the building. They were in a seated position, he sitting crosslegged as if doing yoga, she astride him with her legs wrapped around the small of his back. Both were nude and exposed to the night's cold wind. I was confused and felt helpless. Who was this man? Had she forgotten me? Why didn't they feel the icy blasts of air roaring down from the mountain? I was not surprised to see the monk nearby, watching. Watching, as I was.

* * *

I opened the door to the monk's private room. he looked up from his crosslegged position at his low table which was covered with various diagrams. "Geshe-la," I started to say. His face held no expression but he spoke. "What is it? What do you want?" "Uh," I stammered, "I think it only fair to tell you." But I got no further. "That you have made love to Dorjii?" he smiled. "I know that! I was there!"

"I mean," I continued, "she is not your consort. She cannot be your consort!" And my temper flared up in anticipation of his response. "She belongs to me!" He shook his head, still smiling. "I would say, to be fair, to use your words," he said, "that she belongs to herself. But, not using your words, I would like to point out that she was with you because I sent her. And while we are clarifying things, she is still my consort!"

"But," I stammered, "but, how can you do that? What of your vows as a monk?" He laughed, looking out of the window. "I have many vows. Not polluting myself with the use of a woman is one of them. And I shall keep it. But there are ways around that! I have a vow to seek special powers and in that I need to know a woman's passion. A slight problem, yes? A contradiction? Yes. But I have found a way around that. Now get out of here with your romantic puppyness!"

* * *

I could not find the knife.

Drip. Drip. Around and Around.

* * *

Dorjii! Quickly! Let us leave! He is asleep, he won't know where we have gone! Don't argue! Do as I say! No, he is not a god, he is only a man. Quickly!

Snow is falling on the mountain, the clouds are obliterating the view of distant hills. The river is frozen.

* * *

I've got to escape! But I may be killed in the process. It doesn't matter who is left behind. I've got to escape.

* * *

Pay attention. No slip. Pay attention. One slip may be one too many.

* * *

Will he live? He is losing so much blood!



* * *

What do you want, a miracle? It's impossible. I can't go, thus you can't go. If anyone comes for me, it'll be the end of all that. and more.

Why is the room painted yellow?

* * *

"They will be coming back this way. Yes. Three of them. Be careful. Kill the correct man and not the rinpoche! It does not matter about the servant. it is his master's life we wish to extinguish!"

* * *

So much blood! Everywhere!

* * *

At the hospital, I found my brother's room empty, the bed neatly made. "Where is he?" I asked. "Gone," was the one word the nurse replied. "Back to the nursing home?" I persisted. "Uh, no," she replied, looking at a clipboard with more concentration than necessary. "Well?" I asked, getting annoyed with her hesitation. "Uh," she said, looking up, eyes unfocused, "He's gone. he died."

After a silence which sank through my chest and into the marrow of my bones, I asked, "Why," I began. She answered too quickly. "He couldn't eat. He wouldn't stop bleeding. He...."

"When did it happen?" I demanded. "Seven days ago," she stammered, seeing my agitation. "Seven days! You mean he's buried?! Why didn't the doctor call me?" I exploded in response. "He, he is on vacation, and he..." she stuttered. "Dammit! Goes on vacation to avoid his dying patients!" I moaned. That was it. We spoke no more. I drove down the highway faster and faster.

* * *

In the night, in the forest, lying on the bed of pine needles, Susan exhaled and cooed. My head snapped p. I had heard a sound. I looked into the darkness. For a moment there was a blue shape, but then it dissolved, and was gone. "What was he doing here?" I thought, glaring into the darkness.

"What is it?" Susan asked. I answered without having heard the question, "Dai Goro Bogdu." "What are you saying?" she asked. This time I heard her. "Nothing," I answered. "Nothing at all." I felt the cold of empty space come through the ground, through the pine needles, through her warm body, and settle around my heart.

* * *

I found the knife on the stairway in back of the Potala Palace. I looked it over, and finding the switch, clicked it open. CLICK! It shone in the moonlight just as that moonlight shone on the surface of the Naga King's lake.

* * *

"Geshe-la," I said to the monk when I delivered some Tibetan tea to his room. "When I recalled my life—in the future—the blue man was there. Was it a trick of my mind? Was it real?" The monk sipped his tea, blowing the lump of floating butter away from the edge. "It could be both," he finally said. "How solid did he seem?" "He faded," I answered. "He was there, then he was not." He smiled. "Good!" he laughed, "then he has not made the complete transformation."

"What do you mean?" I questioned. "How can he go to my time?" The monk shrugged. "As any of us, with the skill, could, through you." "Me? I don't even know how to do it myself!" I pointed out. He smiled, half sneering. "As one of this time absorbs from your continuum, he also trades off essences. With these, at the right intensity, you will be able to return."

I was delighted with this news. "Great! Then I can escape!" I cried. "Yes," whispered the monk, "but there is a price." "What do you mean?" I asked in return. "Dai Goro Bogdu will be able to range up and down the centuries, undefeated." I frowned. "So what?" I answered. "It will mean an eternity of suffering of all living beings!" he replied.

* * *

"The putrid monk lies," said the blue man, hovering in mid-air over the building. "None of that is true?" I asked. he laughed. "Oh, most of it is true," he said. "But he is wrong. I shall bring not suffering." "Oh?" I prompted. "Suffering exists without me. I will not add to it," he said.

"But then, as an immortal, couldn't you alleviate it?" I questioned. "Don't be foolish," he snapped. "That is not concern of mine." "Very benevolent," I murmured sarcastically. "But I don't believe you!" "How dare you!" he cried. "I will destroy you! Everyone must be respectful!" "I see," I muttered. "But that will do you no good! For without me, you get no eternity!" "Pah!" he cried, exhaling a deadly-looking cloud which descended towards me. "You understand nothing! You and your continuum are not the same thing!" "Indeed," I thought in panic, beginning to choke as the blue cloud reached me. "I'm not as smart as I thought!" Soon I was dizzy and falling.

* * *

"Carmella! Carmella! The fire! The children," ripped through the cold air. I looked up. Atop my roof, next to the burning building, stood the figure of the blue man, laughing. I gnashed my teeth, cursing to myself, glancing at Susan to see if she saw him. But she was looking at the flames. "Damn him! He will do no good!" I saw the constellation of Orion, and, in looking back, saw the blue man fade away. "This is all a lie," I thought, concentrating. "I'm not back, so he cannot be here either!"

* * *

"Dorjii," I said, grasping her arm, "Geshe-la must stop him from reaching into the future, and into eternity! He would prevent Chamba, the future Buddha, from coming!" "Yes," she sighed, "But Geshe-la can only stop him if he goes instead." I gulped. "What good will that do?" I asked, half-hopefully, but fearing for the worst. "No good," she signed. "It would be exactly the same, a huge evil built upon erring ego!" "Damn," I said. "I'll have to kill them both!"

"Oh, please," she cried, "don't speak like that! You sound like you are absorbing their evil! And even if you tried, it is impossible. They are too strong." "We shall see about that," I muttered, getting more and more angry.

* * *

How much of this is true? I asked myself, puzzling over the confusion of words. It is not to be taken at face value!

* * *

Ippolito Desideri's small party had reached Western Tibet on its wanderings toward Lhasa. His companion, the elderly Jesuit priest, was sour and unpleasant. They both knew that they were in heathen country with no other missionaries competing with them. The elder Italian had stomach troubles and was not of the proper disposition to endure the hardships of uncivilized travel. That was something which he told himself constantly. it was something which he told the younger man, Desideri, as well.

"I almost would doubt that such barbarians have souls to save!" he said to his companion. The other admonished him, "How can you say such a thing! God in his mercy gave all people, no matter how savage, souls!"

"I said 'almost', Brother Ippolito," the other said, sidestepping the issue. All of this I heard from the light realm of the Nd-Drwa. They seemed as if they would not go any further than Mt. Kailash when luck had them meet the large party of a Tibetan princess. She let them join her group to Lhasa. It was interesting to see the passionate fervor which Ippolito Desideri had in trying to convert the beautiful woman.

* * *

"I will help you to become a god," said the blue man. "Don't waste your time<" I said. "Your definition doesn't fit mine." "You want too much," he laughed. "What is wrong with power and a life centuries long?" "Is that all?" I answered. "That is what you call a god? Lose humanity for that?" "Not much to lose," he smiled. "Most of you humans are not very human, as it is." "Don't play games with me!" I snapped. "Not even baseball?" he asked, with a somber face. I glared at him. "How do you know about that?" Rising upwards, the figure was silhouetted against the sky. "You taught me! Don't you remember?" he asked. Damn lies. it must be the absorption! But what am I getting?

* * *

In the corrections institution's yard, Dai Goro Bogdu was there when the prisoner was stabbed! But how did I see that? I had not been there!

* * *

Drip. Drip. Drip. The blue man stood next to the hospital bed. he looked down at my brother. His hands shook and quivered. He exhaled, "UH. UH. HUM!" he said.

* * *

The figure of Geshe Thubten Sengey grew transparent. I could see the woman in the window, talking on the telephone, gesturing wildly.

* * *

This name. Not that name!

This word. Not that word!

They have made a vow to forego release, not to escape while there is suffering.

* * *

Ring! Ring! Dammit Suzy! Answer the phone! Ah, the receiver has been lifted. "Hello, Suzy?" I asked. In response I heard, "EREN-NOON-SHIM-TAL." I slammed down the receiver, as if that would cancel out what I had heard. Suddenly, I was covered with perspiration, and shaking all over.